The Men You Meet While Online Dating

So now that I’ve made you privy to the signs of online dating.  I thought I’d help you out and give you a clue to some of the guys you’ll come across when you are online dating.  IF any fellas are reading this…let me know some women you meet because…I wouldn’t know…all I know is me and I’M AWESOME! 🙂

1.The Child Left Behind

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Do not pass go.  Do not collect $200.  GO DIRECTLY TO “DELETE”.  There are certain grammatical errors that are easily committed.  There are certain errors that are acceptable.  There’s slang.  There are contemporary urban colloquialisms.  But BABY…the errors that “The Child Left Behind” makes will make you sick to your stomach.  He’s the one that types just as he speaks…just all raggedy.

Signs: “Hi you doing” , “Am fine. how you”, “I am an inspiring actor”

2. Crouching Gentleman Hidden Psycho

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Ok.  He seems soo nice.  He can type.  He texts you in a timely manner and he calls.  There’s something in your gut though that’s stopping you from meeting up with him.  You don’t know what it is but you go with your gut.  The next day…BOOM!  The crazy comes out and you do a small but thorough praise dance in your home that you didn’t go out to meet him.

Signs: too perfect, baggage, early signs of jealousy (it aint cute that he expects you to not be speaking to other humans after texting for 5 minutes…it’s PSYCHO)

3. I got 6 baes, I don’t get tired

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He’s feeling himself and he wants you to feel him too.  Yup just like that.  He’s tryna get you into bed…that’s it.  He invented Netflix and Chill and he doesn’t even have a netflix account.  I mean…you’re cute girl…but he should be able to have some decorum.

Signs: He only compliments your looks, UDPs (unsolicited dick picks), he only hits you up when he’s NOT at home…and after 11pm

4. HerbaLIES

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He’s not online to date.  He’s online to recruit.  He sees dating sites as prime real estate for clients or women to get on his team.  He’s handsome and likely very personable.  He makes you laugh and texts you good morning.  But…he’s doing that to 12 other women too.  He owns a business but won’t go into details about it…usually it’s a pyramid scheme or herbalife.

Signs: He invites you to a presentation, He asks you if you love what you do constantly, He only has fitness pictures or quotes about success on his profile.

5. Spam and Cheese

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Same pictures – check.  Same profile – check.  Same message – check.

You’ve seen him, that profile, those messages before.  He doesn’t have an original bone in his body.  There’s a glitch in the matrix.

Signs: CTRL C – CTRL V

6. Assembly Required

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OMG he has everything on the long list of man must haves that you probably shouldn’t even have (side eye) (shade but shade).  He’s a sweetheart and you’re ready to meet him and kick it.  This could be the fairy tale online dating situation that you’ve heard about.  Your romance is about to be one of those urban legends that folks tell about POF.  But you missed the fine print…assembly required.  It’s not as EASY as it seemed.  And as it USUALLY goes…a critical piece is missing from the box.  AAAHHHHH but it looked so good when i ordered it!!

Signs: unfortunately you really won’t be able to detect this one until you meet up and spend some time with him.  It may be that he’s kind of  VERY socially awkward, he could not be ready for a relationship, he could have a sma—.  Nevermind.  However, if you really like him…the good news is that you can make it work.  I mean…you’re a decent handywoman right.


I hope this has been able to help you.  Whit did that so hopefully you don’t have to go through that.

I’m just at the point where I’m trying to spot them before they spot me.  I’m the cop and you’re the drunk driver.  I’m going to be in control.  I mean…how do you tell someone a “crazy” dumped you.  Be proactive.

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If you’re enjoying the online dating series…let me know!!

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