I’ve been asked to do this several times and I’m tired of yall so. I’mma do it. I’mma do it. Now at least my sister can leave me alone. Yall loved Adventures in Ridiculosity huh. Well it luh’d yall too. So like the Walking Dead…you can’t keep me down!
Even though yall asked in the best possible annoying way yall could (luh yall tho), I still wasn’t sure if the RHOA recap was in my spirit. I had gotten out of that ministry and wasn’t even the chair emeritus no more. My DVR doesn’t even know to record it because…OVER! But…because I love you…here in the year 2098 for Season 2397324 of RHOA…I’m back up in this!!
So…on to the shenanigans.
The season starts off with the usual what have these ladies been doing in between taping the season and scouring the mountaintops for story lines so they can keep a steady check. DONE! Even Porsha has gotten off probation and gotten her peach back. Since Nene is gone it looks like they got coin…enough coin to invest in a BACK TO THE FUTURE situation and bring up ol ish! *teehee…can’t wait*
Kandi’s knocked up!! cool
So we start with the newest old peach Porsha hoping out of some
rental car and looking like she been to K. Michelle school of injections. She’s going to visit Phaedra – single mother, lawyer, mortician, and all around LADY!! lol (i’m biased…Phaedra uttered the phrase of the millennium. She can do no wrong #fixitJesus).
Because none of the housewives are real actual friends anymore we don’t even pretend like there’s small talk.
They jumped right on in honey. That conversation was finely orchestrated and directed.
Porsha – How’s life since yo trifling husband got SENT up the RIVER.
Phaedra – But DO YOU have a man though?
Choir – BUT CYNTHIA AND PETER THOUGH…
I can’t say I’m mad but they sure did cut straight to the chase.
Oh…now on to Cynthia. I think I blacked out on this part because the thought of a Cynthia storyline is stronger than melatonin and zzquil combined. When I did come to there was some artsy “Waiting to Exhale” dramatic footage because Peter on his way home
from his heauxs house to see his wife.
Awww…dang Cyn…I feel for you
Ok…I lied. I dont care. Cynthia is the eternal victim. There were 23942938472 substantiated cases of Peter’s peter picking a peck of pickled peppers all over Atlanta and the Southern states and you aint CARE! Now that “I’m Very Rich” isn’t on the show to “victimize” you …you gotta have a way. She suddenly just channeling every character Angela Bassett has EVER PLAYED. Goodnight child.
Porsha Porsha Porsha
This lady is trying to be someone’s sugar mama. Does she even have “sugar”. She’s definitely like an “i can’t believe it’s not sugar” mama.
So…this new instagram bae that she
hired (don’t sleep on your instagram job opportunities) has been boo’d up with comes into town. For a second, I thought he was mute…because…I COULDN’T HEAR HIM.
But when I did hear his whispery self. I had questions. SEEEVVVEEERRRAAALLL QUESTIONS. This dont eeeeeem seem right.
I really want Porsha to be great. I do. I do. But…girl…he aint IT!!
So again with there being no SMALL TALK. We hop right into the car with forced friends Kenya and Cynthia. They are driving to Kenya’s (new) Kastle.
Kenya never wants to give any room for anyone to ever grow to like her. She has this festering of shade and drama boiling in her soul. So of course, she has to mention that ChateNO Sheree is in her neighborhood and claims that her neighbors came a running like “Hey black lady…do you know that black lady who’s running down my property value” so she’s RIPE to spill all the tea. Why she’s Team No Sheree IDK…but “Who Gon’ Check Me Boo” is NOT the one.
So they get to Kastle Kenya and the dramatic music as they pan to the house and to Cynthia’s face it slays me to the floor. Kenya bought her house from a super nintendo version of Super Mario Bros. It may be cute though. MAY be.
So Todd and Kandi…Kandi and Todd. The lollipop guild. Whatevs!! The Petty Bunch. Whatever you wanna call them are in their garage amongst Apollo’s things. WHY…WHY ARE APOLLO’S THINGS IN YALL’S HOUSE. Kandi is just a catch all for drama. You wonder why you and Phae may not be cool. Chick…check your garage.
Todd…I never drew too many feelings about Todd other than I was over Joyce’s treatment of him. However, it’s evident that he is just a hot mess. So either, he’s a bitter betty for being mad at Phaedra for $8k whilst he has probably a few $1000s of Apollos ish stored in
Kandi’s his garage OR they needed a story line other than Kandi’s womb contents. Babies aren’t drama. I say that it’s not about the principle because as the BUSINESS man he’d talk to Phaedra or her people himself. To ask your wife to ask her means you aren’t about anything and you’re petty, messy, and just whack as heck. THE END. (AND we know Kandi can’t tell him this so she gon’ be all teary eyed standing by her man talking to Phaedra next week…BOO BYE)
Cynthia’s sister shows back up. She is too happy to be there to catch her sister when her brother in law acts a darn fool. She gets Cynthia to admit that she aint here for Peter physically. I mean when your baby daddy is Leon…baby I feel you. I wonder what really made her settle for Peter. She was a runaway bride like 4 times and she doesn’t seem happy now. Why is she beholden to Peter? Is it because all her coins are all tied up in this man?
So now we’re at the event and this is where things get good.
Everyone rolls up in this piece and I mean EVERYONE.
Marlo shows back up on the scene. Last I saw Marlo she irked my nerves but I believe she has been gone long enough so I welcomed her essence of shade. She’s with the emperess of needing to have several seats Kenya. Kenya then gets into it with Peter. WHY CHILD.
She oozes drama. I’m so over her. Also…so does Mallory. She just poured all the tea and told the girls the intimate details (that would be aired on national tv) of her and Cynthia’s earlier conversation.
She by Sheree finally makes her appearance! WOW. I was not here for Sheree on her last season but she will prove to be a NICE adversary for Kenya. Kenya tried it as soon as Sheree rolled up. But regardless of what you can say about Sheree…she’s always one to come with the palm trees of shade. She doesn’t USUALLY ever miss a beat.
Yall ready for next week?